as irrational as sadness is, so is happiness– and this is where i guess the skill to stay in semi-irrational happiness shines in keeping the psyche in a functional state. 

i am exhausted, tired, my eyes hurt and my chest feels weird from the caffeine withdrawal; my emotions feel intertwined and mixed, though there is a sharp knife of hope that sears through my sorrow. a glimpse of hope that refuses to go unnoticed even when my pain makes me trip on my own ideas and my head spins.

 and i love it.  and i hate it.
because– fuck, if sadness is irrational and can come up for no good reason, then so can happiness ?
because if i can be loved for being myself, for no good reason other than being me, why can’t– why shouldn’t i do that to myself? i do that to others, so why not myself?

existing is complicated and painful, often times soul-wringing and gutting to points that have been very close to failure. the horrors persist. 
but by fucking god and all that i have and everyone i cherish, so will i.

it hurts, i’m in a pit of pain that encloses my feelings and head tight, it pressurizes my feelings and compresses my thoughts into a small box that struggles to expand, but i’ll survive.  and thrive. even if for the time being i have to just keep pushing,  pushing very hard through thick and thin.

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