my head hurts again. 
trying methylphenidate was a blessing and a curse.  i saw what i could achieve in one afternoon– almost a hundred lines of rust, browsing libraries and being able to piece knowlege together, having stable emotions, existing in the way that i remember, when everything felt right. 

but that was all.  an experiment.  a consensual, one-off, test with someone of trust. 

now everything’s different yet still the same– we’ve been cooking some for ourselves but the body still feels weird, and we still can’t concentrate fully and we’re still on minimums and rotting on dopamine and nothing feels right. 

we’re changing everything and it feels like every step i break a little more, searing in exhaustion and still pushing through. but noone cares, and noone notices because pain is always in the mind of the thinker, and alas, we’ve been cursed to exist.

we want off– to stop running off fumes, to stop crying because we don’t look right or feel enough, I wish to rip all my memories and thoughts apart and become thoughtless, memory-less and forgotten. I wish I had never discovered what dysphoria, gender, mania or ADHD is, to exist in a different world where everything is right, or to not exist at all. 

i hate not being enough, i hate seeing everyone and everything around me, because they make me yearn and imagine what i could’ve been or could be, admitting that i will never be. because we’re stuck; stuck trying to find solutions to the little problems and fix all that is wrong. And shouldn’t that bring resolution? No. It won’t. Because by the time things are right, nothing and nobody will be left.  Only the.. memories and wishful thinking of the past, all the what ifs, all the missed opportunities. 

and noone will know and noone will care, because the nightmares only exist within. and noone will know and noone will care, because the nightmares only exist within. and noone will know and noone will care, because the nightmares only exist within. and noone will know and noone will care, because the nightmares only exist within. and noone will know and noone will care, because the nightmares only exist within. and noone will know and noone will care, because the nightmares only exist within. and noone will know and noone will care, because the nightmares only exist within. and noone will know and noone will care, because the nightmares only exist within. and noone will know and noone will care, because the nightmares only exist within. and noone will know and noone will care, because the nightmares only exist within. and noone will know and noone will care, because the nightmares only exist within. and noone will know and noone will care, because the nightmares only exist within. and noone will know and noone will care, because the nightmares only exist within. and noone will know and noone will care, because the nightmares only exist within. and noone will know and noone will care, because the nightmares only exist within. and noone will know and noone will care, because the nightmares only exist within. and noone will know and noone will care, because the nightmares only exist within. and noone will know and noone will care, because the nightmares only exist within. and noone will know and noone will care, because the nightmares only exist within. and noone will know and noone will care, because the nightmares only exist within. and noone will know and noone will care, because the nightmares only exist within. and noone will know and noone will care, because the nightmares only exist within. and noone will know and noone will care, because the nightmares only exist within. and noone will know and noone will care, because the nightmares only exist within. and noone will know and noone will care, because the nightmares only exist within. and noone will know and noone will care, because the nightmares only exist within. and noone will know and noone will care, because the nightmares only exist within. and noone will know and noone will care, because the nightmares only exist within. and noone will know and noone will care, because the nightmares only exist within. and noone will know and noone will care, because the nightmares only exist within. and noone will know and noone will care, because the nightmares only exist within. and noone will know and noone will care, because the nightmares only exist within. and noone will know and noone will care, because the nightmares only exist within. and noone will know and noone will care, because the nightmares only exist within. and noone will know and noone will care, because the nightmares only exist within. and noone will know and noone will care, because the nightmares only exist within. and noone will know and noone will care, because the nightmares only exist within. and noone will know and noone will care, because the nightmares only exist within. and noone will know and noone will care, because the nightmares only exist within. and noone will know and noone will care, because the nightmares only exist within. and noone will know and noone will care, because the nightmares only exist within.