with every blink,
a sliver of time slips
as my lungs wave slowly,
i have once again lost to time 

stuck in a ruthless storm
unable to see the horizon,
emotions capsizing in pain,
seeking for any course to sail 

doomed to see the world around me,
little fragments of love and yearn
pieces of humanity that swirl together
yet unable to mix with any of them. 

salvation and doom, one per hand
neither feels right, neither feels true. 
i contemplate and follow each,
trying to find my truth. 
but all i find is torment,
my days feel numb and my nights eternal. 

too stupid to fix anything,
but too aware to ignore anything
stuck between my soul and my head
i yearn to sleep and never awake 

can i find my truth?
will touch ever feel real?
can love seep into me? 
.. to feel warm and cherished,
to be loved like the moonlight,
will i ever feel loved, not like a display behind a glass,
but rather like a rose– cherished and appreciated?

i wish. 

i wish to feel like i am worth sacrificing and hurting for,
to feel a little less lonely in my pain.

i wish. 
but that’s all i can do. 

i cry and hurt. tried to improve and tried to die.
called and reached, tried to understand and improve. 
tried to pour my soul and be remembered with all i have,
put miserable attempts into being someone.
broken myself into pieces and assembled in every combination
given up and walked away, unable to exist.
for some time i thought it would matter,
But nobody came.