as i look around and look at everyone, everybeing and everything around me   
my gender identity. ever so close to resembling my ideas, to portraying what i am. 

 .. getting a job and trying to find a sense of “self”, a purpose, a meaning, a reason.

“noone has everything figured out” yet everyone around feels infinitely more capable of existing than we do 

with an aching body and a mind waving between crushing self-destruction and godlike mania,
our only goal is to stay afloat, to find calm from this storm 

we don’t keep anyone, we don’t keep anything.  rebuild again from scratch. push harder in the hopes that it will go right this time.  lose everyone, lose everything. 

every minute between messages feels like an eternity, floding with infinite possibilities to lose something, to make a mistke or be hurt.

the pain never gets better. it never gets better. it never gets better. it never gets better. 
we just learn how to ignore it or cover it faster each time until it’s too overwhelming. 

and there is no point in hating or burning in ire. what is the purpose of anger if not motivation without purpose.  so then?   what’s the point of feeling? 

i dont know. 

i feel like we’re losing touch again and orbiting outside sanity. is there anything for us? 
is there any salvation or purpose for our existence? 

i dont know.  and i wish to stay ignorant, in pain. as much as i wish to know, even if that would rip us apart. 

we wish the suffering would end or tone down. it hurts to exist. 

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