once again. 

counting days. being too aware of everything and everyone but in too much pain to do.. anything. 
seeing two teens sitting on a bench from the window of the office. a cute, small girl sitting in a boy’s lap. 
and thinking how i had none of that. the closest i had was codependency and a partner that i had to care for, only to get dumped and tossed like trash. 

.. the sorrows that haunt me surface and remind me of how insignificant and meaningless i am. 

my partners are slowly making small steps and i once again feel lagging behind, trying to reach out to somewhere, to something to stay afloat .

it’s getting hard to reach out to anyone or think of anything outside hard routine. i have no drive, no desire, no reason.  am i too broken? am i unloveable? will anyone notice when i’m gone?

.. i feel like everyone has so much to show, tell and share. and i’m just stuck trying to stay afloat whilst those who know me take pity for me– do they really care? is it empathy? not wanting to be rude and drop me cold?  .. a lot of people have done so already, though, so i’m guessing those remaining won’t take too long to leave and start the cycle anew. 

i don’t know what to do and the ideations are getting worse. quite worse. 
i’m too weak and pathetic to do anything 
but at the same time wish i could. the nights feel longer and the downs feel like freefalls 

will i survive?  ..  probably, since i’m too stupid and scared to commit,  although at what cost 

i don’t know. i’m sorry. 

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