i feel..‏.‏

a pit in my soul and chest. a vague but noticeable gap that exists somewhere between my heart, soul and body.‏

and i’ve learnt that this state of melancholy has the label of “depression” by itself– the fugitive felings, the feeling of despair, feeling helpless and still falling into pits of pain and isolation because there’s something wrong and– for the fucking sake of ourselves we don’t know what’s wrong.

we’ve found a place to live in, we have food and stimming, we have hobbies (or time-killing activities that resemble those), we have a job and two partners to share time with, and people who sometimes remember we exist (“friends?"; also provided we.. start the conversation first since we have been and will be forgotten).

so what..‏ is this?‏

i’m tired.‏

‏

no amount of sleep can fix the nightmares, feeling useless, feeling numb– no amount of sleep can help find comfort in a body that is the wrong species or an identity that is always wrong.‏

no amount of sleep can amend the shit capitalism we’re stuck in.‏
no amount of sleep can reshape the pain and void that consumes us because we still feel stuck, behind and painfully underqualified to go through the paces of “society” and “existing” and– all of this.‏ of this unfair game.‏

i wish to stop being in so much fucking pain.

but noone cares, noone understands or connects because if i am to cry in pain so often, then it is mistaken for noise and accustomed for.‏

i am tired. i want gone. i want off. i want to stop.‏

i wish to stop hurting, to stop hunting, to stop yearning, to stop wishing.‏

this is nothing but a nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmar