i’m…‣ tired. 
of existing behind myself.‣ 

of existing between gasps and nightmares,
crying over everyone i lose because i’m too little and i’m too absent,
exhaused of giving it my all and getting nowhere. 

i miss myself. being there for friends and people who i love, losing my time on things that i cared for. being able to do, to exist without getting lost in my head so deep that the only way out is to drown it in noise or rip away any form of thought– to flee from them all. 

the few dreams that remain at night keep taunting me, they make me remember of all the times where i was oh-so-certain that if i just tried a little harder, if i just pushed a little more. that things would be better– that i would be better. 
and here i am.  
a struggle, a stumble, replaceable and mediocre. something to be buried in a pile of collective names, a memory at best and an off-by-one at worst. 

im tired, i’m  ‣a bunch of failed ideas that will blow with the wind.‣

i wish i could get off this nightmare   

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