i don’t know today. 

i woke up with my head dizzy, completely stuck in my own thoughts and spinning in circles, trying to make some sense out of the anxiety and the fears that are running through my head.

i scrolled for a while until the dopamine was nyot enyough, or at least to the point where it didn’t feel rewarding enyough for me to continue doing it.

 i realize that i’m obsessed with my potential, that i live inside in a permanent honeymoon with my idealized self– obedient, quiet, easy to manyage and a person who does not exist.

and that feeling hurts. it hurts to realize that at the brink of chaos and a massive change, i exist. 

i am scared, i am terrified, i am frozen by all the fears and insecurities that inhabit my head.

and in this very moment, through all the chaos and slowly marching towards the cliff that promises salvation, i find  calm.

through all this pain, torment and panic.  persists a distorted sense of relief. 

i wonder why– if it is because i have completely given up on myself and let whatever happens, happen?

or have i lost my grip on reality?

 it’s uncertain.

but for nyow the best option is to just continue moving forward, to wait and see.

 ..

– end of content –