im sorry. 

please forgive me.  i am broken. i dont know what’s wrong with us. i can’t help us and neither can marth. we’re broken. we’re hurting.

something makes us NEED to isolate and avoid. i dont hate any of you, im sorry that i went completely away. i can’t.. 

get back in touch. not yet. it hurts to think about doing so. i can’t do it, i can’t i can’t i can’t i can’t i can’t i can’t i can’t i can’t i can’t i can’t 

something is broken that makes us want to isolate and be alone. when things feel “okay” or “right” there’s an overwhelming force that urges to stop doing, to stop existing.

and i cant explain it. 

and i can’t help it. 

and it drowns us. and it hurts and it chokes and i wish i understood it better. 

and if i ignore it or try to sidestep it, it gets louder and scarier and noisier and worse. until it’s too much. 

and if i try to manage it, it doesn’t make sense and just makes us feel worse and remorseful.  

you will never read this– fuck, i don’t think you’re aware about this existing. 

i see your email. i saw your message. but i can’t get back in touch. i don’t wish to hurt you nor to stay aching. i fucking dont.

but i also can’t get to answer, i feel as if it was posion– it hurts mentally and strains, it generates anxiety and it feels so horrid but yet the head begs to stay this way for a little longer. 

and i wish i could explain it. i wish i had better words to explain this shitty, painful need of being completely gone for days, weeks or months at a time.

im sorry.

i don’t know how to handle this.

it hurts and i feel cold and hurting.

please dont hate me. i know im broken and a piece of shit.

just.. 

please dont hate me. im sorry.