i’m tired of.. this. 
of paying bills, of being “strong”, of working long shifts, of being exhausted, of buying groceries. 

i hate looking at my bank account and getting anxious cause i barely have a couple hundred in savings.  to think that any big, unexpected event could just throw me up and over– i’d be in dead water. 

i hate this. 

i just want to be loved, cared for and in someone’s arms again 
to feel fulfilled and with a purpose, not just rotting and decaying with every shift that i work 

 ..

and i hate that i can’t come to terms that it will never happen. 
that noone or nothing will take care of me again.  that i’m now sailing on my own, alone in the deck of my thoughts, as i get violently washed by waves of depression and suicidal ideations. 

it hurts so much to come to terms with existing. 
i Wish i could go back a couple years and just.  shake the everliving shit out of myself, to tell him to wake the fuck up, to dump [NAME REDACTED] and trans his gender. tell him to enjoy existing.  …   \

but then again, he was also merely surviving with what he had. i don’t blame him. 

so i dont know. 
i guess there is just no salvation. 

i hate living so much.

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