i hyperfixated with you, felt the most soul-writhing pain and soothing calm when you shared time with me. i wanted to get close to you, to be noticed, for you to care. i wanted you to know me and part of me, somehow, for some fucking reason hoped you would care about me back. that i wouldn’t be a stranger in the pile, and held the belief close and dear.

i love your wits and your comments, your capacity to stay calm and be kind through thick and thin. your defiance to struggle and yet gentle care. your every little thing that makes you approachable and warm.

but you don’t care. you found a polycule and forgot about me. am i hurt? yes. upset? maybe a bit. but i don’t blame you for forgetting about me. i wasn’t able to keep up socializing with you– exhasuted, tired, sleepy, isolating, spiraling, depressed, hurting. you didn’t care to message back– busy, in better company, distracted.

but noone cares and noone notices because we’re ever so slightly present as for other people to be aware but way too absent– we matter too little for anyone to actually notice our existence.

and i depsise you. for making me feel hope and love and care. for making us feel understood and whole. but once again making us realize how little we mattered, if we ever did in the first place. i hate your time, your voice, your name, your profile picture, you.

they say it’s better to have loved and lost. but i know i’ll never get over losing you, with not a bang but a whimper. seeing you drift away and fade into a memory of times past. 

silly me.  plants and cats don’t mix.  and i’m starting to think that cats don’t mix with anyone  or, anything at all.

we were meant to stay alone and in pain. it’s how it’s always been after all. because the screams make the head go numb. and does a tree make sound if it falls in an empty forest? would there be anyone to notice?

fuck all of this. fuck the memories, the pain and loss.  the yearning and the loneliness. trash it all, wipe it and start anew once again.

fuck me for ever thinking of you as anything more than just an acquaintance. 

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