.. Driving back to our mother’s place. The same one we ran away from.
 

The head swirls and spins as it tries to find memory to latch on to, as if all memories and times of past were reaching like shadows from behind, aching to make themselves known. 

And as those same ideas reach for me, I take a deep breath.  And embrace them.  I realize, they aren’t dangerous omens or foretellings of wisdom.  They were never meant to be tales with a lesson to be learnt. 

They were struggles. And pain. And many, many little moments of pain that built upon eachother, little pins and needles that were bleeding with every breath. 

 .. And maybe we needed all of this.

To walk through hell and earth– to be on the edge of collapse and failure
 To realize that we were never made to hurt.

That we hate the little things that our mom does that makes us rage and be upset, that we’re still mad at this town for what it is and the memories it holds, that I’m still mad at everyone that I lost to time and those who will inevitably go away and fade out– 

  But we were made to feel.

To feel a lot, to feel deeply.
To love every gesture, every word, every little joke and every tease, to madly and absolutely laugh at every joke and every pun just to get upset at it, to get irrationyally angry at a piece of code, only to walk away and find a solution for it–
We.  Were made to feel,  to feel deeply.

And this is so painful. 

To realize that I want to feel on my own terms, to move away and have my own place but at the same time wish to stay in the vicinity of my mother and sister who I love and care about so much, 

So after these last.. Two? months, we’re slowly coming to terms, as a system, as individual entities and creatures, the ways in which we feel and we connect our head with our body; the ways in which we can use those feelings to understand and interpret things rather than weaponize these situations into extreme spirals.

And damn, if it ain’t difficult to do this. 
To hurt, bleed, cry and learn. 

And I don’t know– we don’t know.

Will things get better with our mom? Are things able to improve enough for this close bond to work again? Or will we just stay semi-distant and meet up with her every week or two?– I don’t know.

Relearning what it means to love, to forgive, forget, learn and improve also made us be aware of comfort which, oddly enough made us.. So uncomfortable

As much as we’ve spent in the past, spiralling and sitting in the cold puddle of sad thoughts and miserable feelings- one that I’m extremely familiar and grew fond of- we’ve also come to realize that realizing and actively enjoying the state of being.. Not fucking miserable is an exercise in understanding and forgiveness. An exercise where we learn to admit, accept and forgive for all the little pains that burden the mind (not having every single aspect figured out, not being exactly right, not looking perfect, not being content with our carreer, etc) and takes some effort to stay in that comfort– but then again, it is the opposite of depression, where I’ve time and time again rejected any idea of happiness, of wellbeing, of compassion and empathy, just because pain felt.. Right  

so I guess things are changing. 
and it wont be easy. 
and i don’t know where or how or why or what will happen (yet?) 
but..

i’m just happy to feel. To exist.
Happy to be, you know? 

– end of content –