… 

i feel broken. 

my head hurts and i feel spinning in my misery, i feel pain and sorrow, i am so deeply in agony– i want to find resolution and die and it all feels so overwhelming. 

. . . 

then it stops for a second. 

but then i realize that i’m missing out on meeting with friends and making new skills and evolving and realizing myself, i realize all that i’m failing to do and struggling with. it feels like i’ll never make it out alive from this nightmare. 

.. 

then there’s silence. 

… 

it feels like my core and soul are fracturing. 

like no amount of rest, food, care or love can fix me.  i feel mentally fractured, split and disconnected in a way that no amount of humanity can fix. 

our thoughts scattered, broken and split. like a pot overflowing with good, bad, sad, horny, misery and suicidal ideation. all at once. 

and i want to give up. i don’t want to keep doing this. i don’t want to keep chasing for shitty jobs that make me feel useless. to keep being anxious about our human flesh or its upkeep, to care about everything and anything that happens.

because we don’t get to choose. 

.. 

we only get to  suffer. 

i find our words lacking to express the sorrow and despair that haunts us– the suffocating anxiety and thoughts of not being enough. the exhaustion and caffeine that upkeeps us to somewhat function. 

i can’t do this. 

i found “home” – or at least a house to rest in. 

but i’ve never felt so fucking missing, lost and in shivering pain. 

i want off this, it only feels like a nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmare nightmar