fifty-two.  
fifty-two and one more entries of words, of feels, of thoughts, of vent, of me. 
eight months worth of head-dumping content. 

a move, an accident, a job, grief, pain, joy, lust– many things that have have found themselves intertwined throughout that same period.
everything feels different yet somehow i feel nothing has changed 

i still feel as broken as i did back when i was 16 and trying to kill myself because nothing felt right and my head was too much of a mess to keep living  

and here i am again.  

sleeping 6-8h in a bed of thorns, hugged tight by the nightmares and fever-like dreams that haunt the few nights that i can actually have dreams 
i feel haunted, missing, absent from myself, looking through a glass container, as if my existence was locked away behind a barrier that i cannot see or feel but that still somehow pushes back on me; i know this isn’t the regular flavor of DPDR. i’ve been there, i’ve lived it and i can identify it. 

this is much worse.  it feels as if i was unable to act upon my own existence– my ghostly self and exhausted mind combine in a complex dynamic of comfort in these very moments where my very world feels like it’s crumbling down on me 

i feel like i’m living through my own collapse and i’m forced to not only watch and see it happen in real time, as i’m too exhausted to act upon it, but also feel like my brain is forced awake, as if my eyelids were kept open in torture, teasing me to see what happens around me 

i don’t want this. 
i don’t want any of this. i want all of this to stop
.. but i know i’m too scared to actually remove myself from this existence or do anything about it. so i guess for the time being i’ll be forced to try to keep moving forward and hope that..  sooner than later i can retake on social activity and have more energy to spare

i feel like i’ve been buried alive in the middle of the street in a glass casket where noone can see, understand or remotely care about me whilst i suffocate in my miserable existence 

i yearn for the day i am free of this pain, no matter how

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