the fucking holidays.\   the “christmas season”, the “cheerful holiday”. 

fuck it, fuck this all. kill it. burn it. 

no amount of physical or mental rest feels enough. it just hurts and hurts and hurts and hurts and hurts and hurts and hurts and hurts and hurts and hurts and hurts and hurts and hurts and hurts and hurts and hurts and hurts and hurts and– 

there is no solution.  there is no help in the healthcare system. 
there is noone or nothing to help-  and we can’t do private healthcare because we simply can’t afford it. 

it feels like my body is wilting away and my brain corroding.  but i can’t do anything about it.

i either oversleep on my days off work– doing nothing and rotting in bed or force myself to do everything and anything in the days i am manic. only few days allow me to rest or actually navigate our thoughts-  and those are becoming few and far inbetween. 

… 
there is no help, there is no hope. 

every time that i watch a screen for a prolonged amount of time.. i derealize harder and harder every time. i thought we’d gotten better. but now we just wear noise cancelling headphones and play games or consume content until we hit DPDR or become completely unaware of existence. 

..  

. . .  

We want to die or stop suffering, and we’re scared that if we find a way to do it, or the wrong motivation for it, we’ll start trying again.