hey there. to the veiled sense of security and safety that screaming into the void provides.

i’m scraping the floor trying to get along.

i tried food replacement shakes and they work too well– i’m tired and exhausted and pained and having something i can mix up, shake and drink is much faster and easier than having to ashame myself with bachelor meals or delivery. and it’s cheaper.

but the pain is also endless. naproxen, paracetamol, pregabalin, ibuprofen..

all crutches to keep moving forward on those days where i get nausea and want to throw up in pain.

i find no relief.

i find no escape.

  all i can do is keep pushing and try to get better conditions so that i can hopefully heal or find a better environment.

or die trying.

i have learnt my very own definition of ‘miserable pain’, found my own personalized hell in every night i sleep trying to ignore the pain.

the only hope to save myself is me. and i’m falling behind on myself. i hope i’ll be able to pull through, survive or keep pushing

i feel worthless and hopeless. – end of content –