im stuck, spiraling again.  unable to move or process my own feelings, reaching out into the nothingness trying to grasp for air and form a coherent thought, navigating relentless shifts and scattered thoughts. 

i feel stranded in my own head surrounded by an eternal, murky nightsky and set adrift on a rough ocean that keeps tumbling me around, unable to decide or know where i’m headed.   

venting feels useless, my head is completely messed and i’m about ready for anything to happen that could take me out of this misery. i can’t fucking do this– the only thing i’m able to do is keep limping forwards with the capacity that i have, as my head rings and my emotions metastasize and rot into every little nook and cranny of my head. 

and sometimes i wonder, 
what’s the purpose of this? 
what’s the purpose of.. me?  
what will happen if i succeed? what if i fail? 
..  ì don’t know, and neither can i figure it out right now because my head feels too drowsy to think right but too sharp to do anything about it. 

i hate existing 

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