i had to take the train back to my hometown. 15 minutes to the station + 55 minutes of journey + 15 more minutes to my destination. all to drive home with the stupid box of metal and combustion.

and i read Flowers for Algernon the entire time. having xm4’s that are noise cancelling help a lot in disconnecting– or at least emulating disconnection and let me ignore time as it dilates between each word i read.

as i walked through the streets that still will very likely exist forever in our memories, it felt like i was flying too close to the sun. not out of my own decision. but to retrieve the fucking car.

each block, each street, each memory that came through. it felt like a blade that ran inside me and hurt, not in my soul but somewhere vague that i can’t identify; it felt as if i was in the middle of a conflict between the past and present trying to make sense of eachother.   

i drive home and sitting on a red light i see through a window that sits at street level a birthday. i can hear the songs and see faces on everyone.

i feel something for a moment and almost upset but it quickly fades. for some reason i feel like i no motivation or reason to be upset.

as i enter the elevator to get home, a thought crosses my mind.

i feel the same connection (or lack thereof) to my room as a “home” as i feel to my job’s office as a “workspace”.

i want to be gone and give up. but routine is one of the few things keeping me here. do i want to stay? should i even?

our fronting is being liquid again and switching back and forth. our memories and wills mix and get shared. we get upset at eachother, point fingers and call out our faults, we call out mutually and then it’s calm. not like a sunny day in a field calm, but calm like the sea shakes and shivers after a thunderstorm where noone can help you, in the middle of nowhere.

i don’t feel capable of fixing my-, ourselves or any of this.

i struggle to see the point besides “people around me would be sad” or the fact that we’ve already tried 5 times and failed miserably at disappearing.

sometimes i seek for answers and search everywhere in everything for an answer; i try to make sense and explain what and who and where and why
 
but often times i just give up and assume things will either get better or fade off, as usual.

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